Unlimited
by 68beats
Summary: AU/AH  The confessions of a heartbroken woman who used to know the meaning of unconditional love.


Where were we?

Yes, I was loosing myself in riddles of words I can barely understand but let me try to make some sense again.

So, I started drowning in my sorrow after the only man who I have ever loved left me. Well, of course he left me after my mother died and my father who I have never met before the day I came to his door to beg for a place to live and a Dad to love. Instead of even bothering his important too good for little Elena self, he sent his pervert piece of shit that I am supposed to call uncle to take care of me, what a colossal lie. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell that I have hit rock bottom. My body that is only limbs and confused thoughts of past lives and desires.

If you are not reading those lines in this fine form of self pettiness and see me walking on the busy streets of New York or if you are right behind me in the line on a fancy coffee shop, you'd say that I am a woman who is perfectly content with her life. Oh, what a big, fat lie.

I am everything but content. Sure, I got my office in a tower of glass and metal that I am now calling my only escape from the reality I have created for myself.

Sure, I graduated on top of my class in NYU. Sure, I can be seen in the finest places with the rich and famous.

I used to feel, I don't feel now.

My life is everything I have asked for but I am all alone living it.

The best plan is not to have a plan, my mother used to say. She was so collected, maybe this is the reason why I am so far from collected. Mess. I am a mess who can surely afford to pay a lot of money for a shrink who is making me post my thoughts on a public website. Excuse me, Mrs. Fell but I could have done that without giving you a check that can cover the bills for the first year I spent in NYC while getting my degree. Scratch that, the check can cover two years of my magical experience of being a NYU student who is as poor as a church mouse.

Anyway, this is my only hope so why not do what I was told and pray for the best.

I should have had this baby with the baby's daddy. Um, oh my gosh, I am doing it again… whenever I start explaining about my current life I go back to that unfortunate day when I lost the two sacred beings that were left in my existence. The main reason for the chaos in my head is that I have never told anyone anything about my life after Damon; well sure, I am telling you this but it is because I am made as a process of my – what did Mrs. Fell call it, yes "healing process". If the process requires my tearful confessions on the internet then who am I to object. Meredith, I mean Mrs. Fell tried the common ways for treating this not so little problem of mine but none of them ever worked so here I am, keeping a diary for everyone to read.

That lovely therapist of mine claims that her newly found method is extremely helpful but a _bit_ intimidating because people in different "circles of life" might be reading my ramblings. By all circles of life you should conside – all creeps and freaks scooping around, lurking in the shadows; but let's face it, I am no one to judge because I am no better.

I pure my soul at night, whenever I am done with work and stuck in a cab trying to get to that lonely apartment of mine in Upper East Side. During the ride I think of which painful memory I want to let go of. Most nights I end up sipping uber expensive wine and staring at a blank screen. But whenever I have some luck and the guts to face my demons, words start flowing and sentences start rolling.

_Relationships_ – this is what one of those sticky notes, that keeps its' presence known just to remind me that I need to work on the letting my spirit sore crap, says. So here we go, let's start from the day I was born or should I go way back with how I was made? Okay, so my mother who was an orphan herself met my father and he promised her the white picket fence she had always dreamed about; Mom gave in and let him have his way with her – he did have it hence I was born and then he left. Maybe I came too soon into their lives, maybe they had a shot at actually being the proud owners of a house with a white picket fence if I wasn't created after just a month of them being intimate. That father of mine didn't want the full package and told the woman who gave me life to "get rid of me" but as you can guess; she never did. Mom used to tell me that I was her little miracle but I couldn't help but see how hard she was working just to buy me new shoes whenever the old ones got too small for my feet. We couldn't make both ends meet but that didn't keep her from loving me with all her heart. She was the role model every little girl needs; juggling between 3 jobs and always reading me bedtime stories and giving me goodnight kisses. She never finished high school and never met her parents but that didn't stop her of being a the smartest, kindest and most compassionate woman. Oh, how I miss her. I miss her assurance that we will survive, we will both pay the rent and I can still go to that school trip with all of my friends. I miss her hugs, miss her smell, miss her encouragement that I am the most beautiful and important person in the whole wide world. The day she died, that day my world crumbled.

I never knew what a father meant because as I told you mine left before I even took my first breath. I have an uncle who tried to rape me after Mother died. I will go there at some point, just not now, not today.

Damon. He was everything for me. He was the sun, the moon and the ground I was walking on. He is the person I screwed up everything with. He was my life so the crash of us being apart for the first time in our lives was so big that if we were planets we would have destroyed a whole galaxy. You know that weird feeling when you know that something is meant to be. No matter how shitty your life is there is always something that makes you smile and gives your meaningless days a meaning. Those days used to have a meaning ten years ago. As for now, I am just struggling to be alive.

My relationship with Damon was one of those people call a plot of an amazing romantic movie, too bad the last one I saw was ten years ago.

We've known each other for years. Too many if you ask me. One of my first memories is actually with him; I remember sitting on a swing while he is pushing me with his chubby little hands. I can still hear myself screaming and laughing with delight. His 7 year old self always gave me half of his peanut butter and blueberry jam sandwich when I was starving but didn't have the money to buy myself anything. From best childhood friends we progressed into being caring for each other as siblings in our tween years and then the moment our bodies started developing, all the feelings you can imagine started progressing.

I can still taste that red velvet cake mixed with that unique flavor of his lips in my mouth. It was my sixteenth birthday, the day when we first made love. It wasn't sex, it was pure and unconditional love.

He was my first pretend-to-be husband, he was the one who gave me my first kiss, the one who wiped my tears when I was crying when my overachieving little self didn't get an A+ on an exam, he was the one who took my virginity and maybe, oh... let's cut the crap, for sure he is the one who owned my heart from day one.

So, how did we get from this picture perfect to having our lives thorn into little pieces? Frankly, I don't know.

With us it's always been about who is on top. It didn't matter what we were doing but when it came to decisions we both wanted to dominate. I didn't realize it back then, but I do now. Both of us have serious problems with ourselves.

I have always been seen as the poor little girl whose boyfriend everyone wanted to fuck. Damon was rich, handsome and sinfully devilish even as a high school boy. Everyone saw him as the spoiled brat who is never certain what he wants from his life but everyone around him is praying that he got it because if he didn't it might get ugly.

His love for me also got ugly and I am the one to blame.

I saw him as the most beautiful person, the one who made me laugh while tickling me in elementary school, the one who held me after my Mom died, the one who knew every part of my body better than my own self, the one who I had been playing house for a year with, my soul mate.

His grandfather was kind enough to take me in and Damon, well he was eager enough to deal with me – every way possible. We used to deal with each other as only we were capable of. Every shirt of his was soaked with my hot tears, every lace set of panties I owned was soaked with desire. He was the reason for everything. He was the reason for the day to turn into night. He was my everything.

Part of me knows that he still is, always will be. Damon corrupted my soul and blessed my being and yes, that day we separated was the day when the Earth stopped spinning because I was the Earth and I was spinning around my Sun, around him.


End file.
